Parenting in the 21st Century- Struggles and Possibilities

(This blogpost, I’m sharing an article I had written for the souvenir magazine for the National Syro-Malabar Catholics Convention, 2019, hosted in Houston.)

Parenting in the 21st century is way different than it was a century ago. I remember how my parents and grandparents talked about their childhood, when they would be hanging out with their community and extended family, on their own, attending to different things. In fact, the village helped raise children back then. But today? The culture and situations have changed dramatically. 

Today, safety itself is a main concern. There is so much violence, drugs, sexual immorality, child trafficking, child predators….. the list goes on. Society has degraded very much so, morally. If we don’t pro-actively fight back, I cannot envision what the next generation will hold.

New and ever-increasing technology has hijacked the culture. We cannot imagine a world without technology. There are lots of good results of technology. I am extremely grateful for GPS, without which I don’t know what I would have done! But at the same time, there are issues associated with technology- in fact, pretty serious issues that we simply shouldn’t close our eyes to. Today, parents have to be way much more vigilant than a century ago, in raising their children. But most of the time, the opposite is happening, when kids are handed their own smart-phones even in lower elementary school! Despite numerous studies that reinforce the negative effects of screen time on young minds, it is a shame that most parents don’t realize what they are doing to their children. Not only does increased screen time lead to obesity, sleep deprivation, physical ailments, eye strain, it also leads to lack of social skills and self-confidence, poor school performance, attention disorders, procrastination, aggressiveness, and violence. Social media use in kids and teens has its own whole set of problems, including anxiety, depression, and increased rates of suicide. These devices when handed over without proper parental restrictions, can lead to even worse outcomes. It is startling to know that an overwhelmingly high percentage of kids are exposed to porn even by the age of 8! The end result of all this screen time is a disconnectedness, and passive approach to life, where good character is at the back-burner, and kids are hardly motivated to rise beyond ‘barely making it through’. It is very tempting to offer a device as a babysitting tool, but we should pause and think for a second before we do so. What are we really doing, and what message are we conveying? We need to break the pattern of lazy kids who don’t care about anything around them, but only their screens; and empower them by having them physically and mentally engaged with the needs in the family.

The family should be a safe haven for the children. But today, increasing number of parents are driven to make more and more money; so they pursue overtime work, and their presence at home dwindles. As a substitute, they resort to providing them more and more ‘gifts’ to make up for their absence. In a culture where parents are very disconnected, and possibly don’t even see each other because they are working back to back, it is hard for kids to feel secure, safe, and connected; and they have more chance of resorting to other things that may make them ‘feel’ more secure, like drugs or porn or other ‘friends’. Also, just pushing them to more and more academics without really providing for them a solid moral support in a loving environment, is of no good. Instead it can backfire, leading to higher rates of depression and suicide. What children need is the presence of parents and their emotional connection. Gifts can never substitute for this. The overall primary motivator of a child’s success is how involved and present the parents are in the life of their children.

We think that providing children with everything they need and never allowing them to fail, will keep them happy. The contrary is true. Giving kids everything they need or ask for, will negatively affect their life. We need to exert discretion at what we give them and inform them the reason why we deny certain things. God does not give us everything we ask for, but only what will end up good for us- for our souls. When we give in to every small request that they put, thinking we are doing a great favor by making them happy in doing so, we are only spoiling them, causing them to be entitled, and allowing them to get away with their manipulations. Parents must step up and be parents, and exert their parental authority over their children! Children (as well as parents) need to know that the authority of parents over children comes from God, and that they are bound to obey. We parents should be involved in the daily lives of our children. We need to foster strong and positive relationships. We should know what they do, where they hang out, who their friends are. We need to know their needs and be able to mentor/ disciple them. We as parents should give a primary focus on developing godly character in our children. Even more than academics, this should be our primary focus. We ought to instill a strong work ethic, early on. Children should be involved in day to day family life. They should be entrusted chores around the house. By entrusting chores, not only are they learning very important life-skills, but also being good stewards of God’s creation and gifts, as well as grateful citizens. On the other hand, we should also not hover over them like a helicopter, micromanaging their every move. We need to set the boundaries, yet allow them to have freedom within those boundaries. They have to fall within those boundaries, get up on their own, and learn from their failures. We have to allow this, instead of protecting them out of situations. We ought to aim to bring up well-adjusted kids, who can bounce right back after failing.

Parents are primary educators of children, as outlined in the Catechism of the Catholic Church. We need to claim control over our children and not delegate this important duty to others. We should be present for our kids. Our priority should be our family.

 I think some practical solutions to fight back today’s culture are:

1) Be intentionally involved in the needs of the children, being present not only physically, but mentally.

2) Greatly limiting the use of screen time, and instead encouraging kids to keep mentally and physically active.

3) Delaying social media use until early adulthood.

4) Creating a safe haven in the family, where kids actually feel safe- by modeling love, mercy and forgiveness.

5) Establishing a strong work ethic, and a culture of giving in your best.

6) Having children involved in the household responsibilities, by giving them chores.

7) Giving emphasis to developing godly character and good virtues- integrity, honesty, compassion,diligence, gratitude, attentiveness. Good character trumps academics.

God has placed a very important task at our hands- to bring each of our family members to heaven. We should not slack in this important duty. Parenting is hard work. Only a family that is rooted in faith can effectively minister to their kids. Let’s pray to God to give us the grace and wisdom to perform this most important duty he has entrusted us. If we don’t proactively fight back, we can lose our children and the next generation. “Do not conform yourselves to this age but be transformed by the renewal of your mind, that you may discern what is the will of God, what is good and pleasing and perfect.” (Romans 12:2) “But if any of you lacks wisdom, he should ask God who gives to all generously and ungrudgingly, and he will be given it” (James 1:5)

May God Bless us all abundantly and shower His graces upon each one of us!